Update 12/17/18

So, with Christmas less than a week away, I find myself crying at night. This is the first year EVER in my entire life I have NO horse to get something for. A lot of people say to learn from the pain, I don’t know what lesson can be had from selling something you care about more than life itself?

On the other end of the spectrum, my hand is back to usable levels of pain. No physical therapy required but the pain did spread to it. Fractured thumb healed nicely and nothing else was damaged.  Friday night, I fell down my sister’s stairs. About 8 or 9 I think. I am not entirely sure how many I had gone down before my ankle gave. Don’t worry, I came out of that with a MAJOR bruise on my leg, a bruise on my rib cage, and a couple of bruises on my left arm. Nothing broken. I’m walking and using my hand just fine.

Oh I almost forgot, my new leg doctor is up to a big hospital. University of Michigan. I don’t know the doctor’s name or anything. So on January 3rd I will find out. What else? We are getting a NEW car soon. We are just working out minor details. It’s a 2006 Ford Taurus. My mom’s friend is selling it to us. He is terrified of the Explorer (we love it). The car is only temporary. A car more or less to move us into the next chapter.

Oh I saw the pain psychologist. I will probably not see him a lot. He asked questions that didn’t have anything to do really with the issue I went in with. He also wants me to think seriously about just becoming a trainer or coach. NOT YET!!! I see him this Thursday.

Let me see…oh I got some of my fiance’s award winning No Bake cookies. They literally take 3 minutes to make. It’s awesome. Sadly she came home sick from her mom’s over night. She won’t tell me much about what happened. I won’t pry honestly. I wanted her to go and spend time with her mom and be able to still deal with her. Yeah, didn’t go as planned. Her mom is so afraid to be alone with her that she brought out her cousin as a buffer. I know it broke her heart that her mom got drunk Saturday night at a party knowing that they needed to go and start baking but they didn’t even start the baking until NOON!!! Hello, Ash has to come home for work. Ugh. She didn’t come home until about 9 pm. I could have dealt with that had the bitch FED HER FUCKING DAUGHTER while she was baking her ass off all day. Nope, she came home without dinner and having only ate once around 8 am. BULL SHIT!!! UGH. She spent more time with the cats or baking than with her mom who she had taken gifts to. I shit you not this is what the bitch said:

“I didn’t get you anything because I’m letting you use my kitchen to make your cookies.” Like bitch sit down. You are keeping 99% of the fucking cookies. She had gifts for her cousin though and her boyfriend’s kids. Like how the fuck do you forget your own fucking daughter? I won’t talk to her about my anger. It just upsets her and I don’t feel like having another damn fight over the bitch. In a month, she won’t be our problem any more. New Mexico looks even better since this month started.

 

So…my sister brought up a point. Every time, if I feel like something is broken or off, I go to the hospital. LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO!! Anyway, she says to them I probably look like someone addicted to pills. Bitch please. I don’t even like taking the meds I do take. If I ain’t in unbearable pain, medicine ain’t my tea. So when I fell down the stairs, I didn’t go up. I don’t plan to ever again. Fuck that. Doctors pretend they know everything. I have seen what happens to people addicted to pain meds I will not be that person.

Well….this weekend is gonna hurt. IN A BIG WAY. Friday night we are getting pizza and hanging out with a few friends (er…her friends). We are planning a cute little game to play that will tell them we are leaving. Saturday however we are going to go hang out with my oldest friend and tell her. She’s having issues with her fiance and I hate to be an ass but I would rather tell her now than when we are packing to leave.

 

To buy bulk or not to buy bulk

Okay, so the thing is I love a great deal like everyone else so here is a few deals I snag when I find them:

1. Pepsi- 10 for $10 get one free so the total is only $11.10. This is a big one Meijer in my town does. Always a limit on how many you can buy but the trick is know how many you will drink in a month. I was buying 20 getting 2 free and half the time one or two would go bad because I just didn’t drink them fast enough.
2. Cat food- buy 48 cans get 12 free. This was a black Friday deal that we are slightly regretting. First of all, go at 6 not 8. So we ended up buying 62 (because I can’t count in a hurry) and of that number over 24 were 1 flavor. Guess what? My cat won’t touch it if she just had that flavor a day or so ago.
3. RAMEN- $1.80 for a 12 pack. Why? Dude, ramen is my go to food. If I’m sick, chicken ramen, stuffy nose oriental ramen, hungry but feeling lazy beef or shrimp or pork ramen. I love Maruchan ramen. Amazing flavor, great deals, and amazing customer service. Just an all around food.
4. Pasta-so my family is a big pasta and mashed potato eating family (insert why not fat joke). So we buy Knorr pasta and rice sides all the time. Again the 10 for $10 get one free is an a big help when feeding a familly of 6. Plus coupons are always nice. Check the package. Some do some don’t.  Plus they’re only ever $1 any way so not an expensive item on our food budget honestly.

I do NOT shop at Sam’s Club. I go for free snacks. They are expensive, never have what we need, and rotate out things we did like. So not a favorite store. I do go there for things like muffins or road snacks if we are going out of town to like Equine Affaire or something. Simple, quick things. Do NOT buy your sandwich meat there. It costs more for less.  My sister buys her spices there because of the big containers. I do not. I rarely ever need them so I don’t exactly grab.

 

So, for me, my fiance, and my cat our monthly food budget is about $100. I’ll break it down to what we buy when. 2 checks:

Ramen: $6-$8 depending on variety of packs

Chips: $4 if I feel the need (usually on a Tuesday when I go with my mom)

Pepsi: $4.40-$6.60 depending on how thirsty I am

Fish: $10 for salmon

Pasta: $10

Lunch food: $5-$10

Breakfast: $2-$8 depending on if we get pop tarts

Water: $3-$6 for 3-6 gallons at Walmart

Cat food: $24-$25

Litter: $16

 

That is our food budget. We occasionally splurge on things like tortellini and Alfredo but for the most part this is how we have lived a few times on single income. Sometimes we get chicken nuggets or ranch or salad stuff and rarely do we get taco stuff since we share a kitchen with my mom and sister (it gets REAL small when all of us are making meals). I am NOT saying this is the healthiest diet by any means. We do eat veggies when we find some on sale. I’m just saying this is what we can AFFORD to eat with bills like this:

Rent:$500

Water:$100

Loan:$91

Phones: $50

Gas: $100

Car insurance: $60

TOTAL bills: $901

This gets broken down to:

1st check: $441 

Rent; $250

Gas:50

Loan: 91

Phones: 50

2nd check: 360

Rent; 250

Gas: 50

Insurance: 60

*water bill is only once every 3 months*

Thoughts for today

Video after video tell you that you can “live off making money blogging” but they never tell you how much it costs to start. From a logo to the actual website to minor things in between. I am not a big blogger. Hell I barely even remember this thing unless I actually have things to say…but you see that is who I am as a person.

Friends: Why don’t we hang out more?

Me: Life. (in reality I just prefer alone time with my thoughts plus I hate how annoying and depressing they are)

Last weekend, when two friends wanted  to hang out. I realized that…I am in no mood to deal with people who don’t even know how to act their age. Turning isles of a store into a bunch of sex jokes. Disgusting. I undid most because I was just not in the mood to play mother.

I have another friend who is OBSESSED with Kpop. No problem. Except up until 2 months ago she was asking for money to buy kpop shit. She just started helping her mother with bills (did I mention this girl is 29?)

I have one friend who I have known the longest and is considered my best friend. Not fiance here. She has 2 wonderful sons, is engaged to a baka (do not ask for definition), and is working full time while going to school. We talk and laugh occassionally and often discuss hanging out but she’s busy as all get out and well….I don’t know where she is any more.

I distanced myself from the rest. 4H friends who just became snobs, school friends who I just lost contact with, work friends who ignore me. Life.

That is why I’ve always been closer to animals. They don’t just change over night and get tired of you. Everything happens for a reason. Being lonely is a thing that happens if you can’t find comfort in your own company. I guess in some ways I do get lonely but in others it is the only time where my thoughts are clear and my vision for my future is spotless.

So…LIFE.

Let

It

Fix

Everything.

My list….HUH?

So I was on Youtube (insert random joke about waisting time here) just scrolling occassionally clicking a video that would answer something or just random from a channel I watch. Normal shit basically.  A video came across…well down since I was using my phone that I clicked on confused.

How to Make Your Dreams Come True | Sebastian Terry | Goalcast

 

So I was watching this video and it was talking about why do we wait until something bad happens to do something we WANT to? Also the video does NOT tell you how. He talked about how it started as a guy with a list. So here are my top 10 things I want to do before I’m 35 (I’m 28).

1. RODEO full time
2. Go to the National Finals Rodeo at least once to watch
3. Compete at Rodeo Houston
4. Compete at The American
5. Compete at The NFR in Vegas at least once
6. Get married
7. Build a team of people who compete beside me
8. Have 2 amazing horses
9. Move to a farm
10. BE HAPPY

*Be a hero to a little kid*

Now I will probably do a top 30 by 40 later or something. Or top 100 before I die but this was a short list I could come up with that I have wanted to do FOREVER. I have to start by getting a new horse and figuring out the travel part. Money is NOT important to me. I want to be able to compete and meet kids who look at me and see a chance when there are so few in the world today. I really just want to be able to help horses and people meet.

Update from rehab specialist

So….UGH. Where to start? So I guess start at today’s beginning.

Midnight: sick as hell. Not like ‘oh i have a tummy ache let me sleep”, no I’m talking “puking and shitting my guts out for 2 hours” sick.

2:30 am: finally get to lay down and migraine kicks in full swing. I take my meds grab a warm wash cloth and lay in the dark silence…quiet of my bed. So yep.

5:45: look at clock as I remove the cloth with the pain level down. Finally fall asleep knowing I have to be up at 10 am.

7:15: my sister is awake screaming at her kids to get ready. Migraine follows again.

7:45: manage to fall back asleep.

9: fucking neighbors got people working on their garage roof LOUD as fuck. Fine. I’m up. Migraine isn’t gone. Take a nice hot bath using epsom salts and a bath bomb (from Bath & Body Works).

10:25: Ash is rushing to go start car while I remind my mom to be near her phone to come get me.

10:53: I am taken to a room in the back for my appointment. Blood pressure normal level (or high for me) and a normal temperature.

11:25: Doctor comes in and sits down. She asks the usual questions.

“So you saw Dr. Tein a while ago. What did he say?”

“First appointment he wanted me to see the pain clinic and we would talk about surgery again the next appointment. 2nd appointment he didn’t want to do the surgery. I was fine with that except my stability has gone down on my ankle rapidly since July. I want answers and it fixed not more physical therapy which hasn’t been helpful.”

“Okay, what about your wrists?” She looked puzzled as I moved my sweater to reveal the brace on my right and my left wrist.

“I fell and this is what we decided to do about it. Nothing was broke.”

“Fell how? Did you black out or feel dizzy at all?” Things that happen due to seizures.

“No, I stood up and went down. I didn’t feel weird or anything. I just went down. The pain has spread over to it. I am just taking things a little slower since I am in no rush to be in more physical therapy.”

“I understand.” She felt all the bones in both wrists and took a sec typing in her computer than put my legs on hers and moved the ankles. “Alright well…we have a couple options if you want to try them.”

“Sounds good. Anything. I want to be normal again and no offense but I really don’t want to keep coming here for something that should have fixed itself over a year ago.”

“Well, CRPS isn’t going to go away.”

“I know.”

“Okay, so we can send you to another surgeon for a 2nd opinion on the ankle because he wanted to see you when I showed the MRI last time. Does that sound good? Get a fresh set of eyes on it since he was the one who diagnosed you.”

“Please.”

She nodded typing a lot down. “And the other thing is going to sound weird but I can send you to a pain psychologist.”

“A…what?”

She giggled. “Okay, they are a doctor who works closely with people with pain disorders to reteach the body how to function with the level of pain since yours has been really high with the falls increasing. It could be your muscles are like ‘too much pain not working.’ If it makes sense.”

“Sounds good to.”

“Alright, I will see you in 3 months. Take it a little slower to ease out of the brace. If you feel like there is still something wrong in a month, call and make an appointment with ME. I will check it again and see if we need a new test or something. I do suggest at this point going ahead and get the shot.”

“Yippee, alright.”

 

So by the time I was done, 2 new doctors to come into my life and I don’t want to be in Michigan much longer. On a good note I ran into one of my old barn moms and caught up.

Confusing start to December

So we were 100% ready to go to Texas. One MAJOR flaw. We are a couple. Oh my god (insert bible shit here). Look I don’t care who or what ya believe in as long as you don’t fuck me over (like being discriminated against) and don’t try shoving it down my throat.

Yep. Texas is still in the annoying collection of as most people in my state call the “bible thumping states”. I don’t care. But when you start telling me doctors don’t even have to help me because I like girls. Guess what? FUCK YOU. Oh boy this blog will never get sponsors. (insert large sigh).

Look Michigan is one to. And I do see it. My doctor told me first appointment I needed surgery. Second appointment suddenly I don’t. Like what? Fuck off. I don’t care. So a little on my life beyond everything:

I grew up in a town where if you looked different, walked different, or simply liked country shit. You were the laughing stalk of the school. Lord knows I grew a tough shell between my family and school.

So a bit about my family: my dad was my rock. But looking back I question a lot of things. Mostly where I have a 2 year time gap in my memories. I grew up in a house with my mom, my sister, my grandma, my grandpa, and random aunts and uncles who moved in and out often. I remember being beat with a hairbrush for stupid things but being fed steak and root beer floats at midnight. My family is dysfunctional to say the least.  I was almost 7 when I almost lost my mom and sister when the car breaks gave out and they hit a bridge.

Fast forward to when I started the memory gap, my mom was dating an older man and he had a farm. Okay. Why can’t I remember most of the time we lived there?

Fast forward to now. My family is always yelling at each other over random shit. My nephews are spoiled to say the least or at least need to be tested for autism (reasons beside the spoiled). My mom knows we need a new car. Okay. Ask if she’d help us since we can’t afford a new one. Nope. Fine. Whatever but explain to me why you are willing to put my sister on your credit cards and get a mortgage with her? No? Fine. I get it. She has told me before that this is a phase and I will outgrow it. She is still pissed it’s not. Fine. I understand.

So we are looking for farms to rent so we can work and get started on the rodeo thing. Or hell a farm that is just looking for a rider who isn’t picky about which horse they run. I am going to be a exercise barrel horse rider while Ash does whatever she picks.

 

Update on exmanager:

Told her yesterday we were moving to a different state. Again I thought we were still friends. Oh lord. She almost got us kicked out of Walmart. Migraine. Anyway, today she has unfriended me from Facebook. I swear she went from being a mature adviser to a 5 year old having a fit.