A light…maybe

It may seem like a dark time for me. Oddly…I feel at ease…sort of. My left wrist in is in a cast and I’m going back to a bone doctor for my leg. No idea what the MRI said but my specialist is sending me to the main doctor.

With all the crazy drama at the farm, my family is allowing us to move in and get on our feet. I am grateful plus we’d be back in the city saving on GAS and car troubles. It makes me reflect a bit on the last year.

1-3 months in everything seemed great. Her mom was nice driving her places and shopping with plenty of food to spare.

4-6 months in and things had their first turn. It was around fall when I sprained my wrist and found the CRPS was causing a new set of problems that things got a bit different since I was home more often but it was closing in on holiday season so no big deal…I thought.

7-8 months was when I started having issues. That was when the first two falls of 2018 happened and we were in therapy for my left arm due to the shift in the disease. Which brought more trouble.

9 months to the year mark was when we really stopped wanting to be there and went on a weekend trip to Indiana. We wanted time to think without stress or opinions in the way.

Since then I have had two more falls due to the property, gotten bitched out because things aren’t done (because washing dishes with your arm in a brace is easy or standing to sweep and mop when your leg makes you want to cut it off).

So no, I don’t think it was going to be a good thing but it was a learning point. Sadly one that has temporarily cost me everything. My walking, my arm, my horse, and my sanity.

I will some day be able to ride again (that’s the hope) but I have a long road ahead first….and it’s not guaranteed. The CRPS has began to spread again and I’m in too much pain to sleep so we will see what the next chapter will bring.

Hopefully, 2019 is the year of good changes.

Till next thoughts:

Chins up, eyes open, heart big, and the curiosity of a child.

What do you say….

So after a long and grulling session with my specialist over my newest injuries, we came to the conclusion that I was unable to keep Shadow and should apply to be seen in a special clinic in Texas. So onto the internet I went to post his sale ad with tears in my eyes and my heart written out.

No one wants him. The response I got was short lived. One lady and her daughter loved him…I thought. But after a week of no response I got ahold of her again and she was unable to get him. I get it. Shit happens. For a brief minute my heart was happy. Again it was a brief moment.

Thursday started as any other. Wake and talk to fiance about the situation. Agree again to post him for sale on a different site and hope for better results. Get through the day taking on the normal dealings best I can. It was about 8ish when her mom got in my face over not being able to clean.

I got angry. Fuck her. I debate HOURLY cutting my leg and arm off just in hopes of getting some relief from the pain. But it wasn’t her getting mad that hurt. It was the words she chose. When you’re fighting everything in your body to be the strongest person in the house, it takes a lot to push you to the edge. I’ve had depression for years. I’ve fought it for years. But in this house, I’m not allowed to show it. I have to keep a smile on my face and be optimistic. I lost it. Her words:

“You are a fucking worthless piece of shit. You should fucking do something. You’re ruining our lives. You fucking worthless piece of shit.”

I broke. I do not cry in front of people. I refuse to show emotions. I packed my clothes. Everything I wear fits in my tack bag. My fiance started packing her shit. I didn’t even care if she even wanted to come. I was DONE. I had decided I was just going to go for a walk and disappear. I care more for my horse and had planned to saddle him and just leave. I was not dealing with it.

We went to town to talk to my mom. She was upset that I didn’t tell her everything that was said but if I did I would have cried again and was not having a reaction a second time. I was still having trouble breathing from the last time. I almost broke down though because selling Shadow means I’ve broken a promise to my father.

“It’s not broken. It’s just you can’t do it. You’re too tired to keep trying.” Was her response. Not a reassurance but what can I do? I have been trying for 7 long years to hit the road full time barrel racing. Dispite winning many local shows, nothing ever went forward. I never got my shot so I was still not fully better.

Well fast forward to today. I write stories to keep my head clear. We’re in our room to avoid her mom plus our Xbox 360 died so we really don’t have anything left to entertain us. It is what it is. I had said I was plugging my phone in at the end of the bed so the cord wasn’t going under her again.

“Why? It is fine where it fucking is.”

I still moved it. I wanted to have it reach me. Not even 10 minutes later….

I had gotten up to use the bathroom and take a drink of my pop at the end of the bed. I came back and noticed she hadn’t wrote. No big deal. I asked her if she had noticed since her head phones were in.

“What? I noticed it. Fine, I’ll fucking write.”

 

She wrote. I saved and closed the laptop. I was not dealing with it a second night. Least of all from her.  No one seems to realize I have feelings to. Apparently I’m not allowed. I am just supposed to be the strong one who has no breaking point. I still think about just saddling up and disappearing…but I have no money. I can’t move my left thumb so yeah no point in trying.

I am just done trying to be something bigger. No point in trying any more.